Dark days

For the past 24 hours, I’ve been  feeling so down. I can’t even describe how I feel in words. All of this started when I realise how badly my Calculus test went and I didn’t want to be alone last night. I tried reaching out to people but I guess I need to realise that people can’t detect your emotions especially when it can be so easily concealed when texting. What no one realise is that it was a silent cry for help but the people I reached out to didn’t realise and I don’t blame them. Part of me wanted someone to talk to and the other part of me wanted to suffer alone, like I tend to do a lot. Today, I was fine in the morning but when I got back from class, darkness took over me. I knew I needed to get out and take a breather. I didn’t want to reach out to the people I tried to reach out to last night and in a way, I shut them out. Of course, my friends were busy and I decided to go out alone. I won’t deny that I teared up in the Grab when I got a message from someone I was shutting out. I didn’t feel like talking even when he offered to call and talk to me. I wanted nothing to do with him. Going out made me feel a lot better but coming back, darkness overcame me once again. Part of me realises that people tend to use the phrase “I’ll be there for you when you need me” a lot but never really mean them. That’s why when I saw that phrase tonight in a message, I mentally rolled my eyes and rereading the message only makes me angry. Where were you last night when I needed someone?! People need to realise that action speaks louder than words! Also, apologising for the way you responded doesn’t make it all ok. It may be something small but when someone’s at their lowest point, even the smallest thing hurts like a bitch. Please only ever use the phrase if you really mean it. About the way I felt, I finally understood what it is that I’m feeling. It’s fear. Replaying the worst scenarios in my head made me fear the future more than I ever have and every time I think about it, I tear up in fear. I’ve never been more scared and alone ever. I don’t know who to talk to and I don’t know if I even want to talk to anyone about it even though I know I should. It just sucks so bad. I wish life was different. 

To be loved or Unwanted?

I’ve completely forgotten about the existence of this blog so today I figured I shall just rant about something that has been bugging me as of the late. Being one who’s been single for a long time, I go through times when I’m desperately in search of a guy and it gets frustrating when it doesn’t happen seeing that I’m not the most patient person. It makes me feel unwanted. Sometimes seeing my friends getting into relationships make me envious. Don’t get me wrong, I am over the moon for them but I wonder what it feels like to have my person as well. Then there are times when I see the obstacles they face and I get filled with anger. Why is it so wrong for two people of different religions especially a non-Muslim dating a Muslim in a Muslim country. Why is there the need for them to have to think twice before being a couple? Why can’t it be like every other couples where they can be official without religion being a barrier? Why do family members encourage them to break up and shit just because they don’t want their family member converting to another religion? Isn’t that up to the couple to decide? Why is it in Asia, family members feel entitled to decide if two people should be together or not? A relationship is between the two individuals WITHOUT family members being involved (at least not till marriage). Even then, let the couple decide their next move and stop being nosey! All these questions sometimes make me wonder if I am actually blessed to be single and not have to think about this but at the same time, I wish I do meet someone soon (although it doesn’t seem to be happening anytime soon). That’s all of my rant for today.

Read all about it

You have no idea how much I can related to the lyrics,
“I wanna sing, I wanna shout
I wanna scream till the words dry out
So put it in all of the papers, I'm not afraid
They can read all about it, read all about it.”
Everytime I see you, I want to tell you how I feel so badly but I don’t want to ruin anything so I keep my mouth shut. I keep telling myself that I’ll get over my feelings for you or at least I will ge to the phase where I am going to get used to the feelings but I’m not there yet. The words are soooo close to bursting out of my mouth. I don’t know how long I’ll be able to keep it in for. I wanted to tell your good friends but I managed to keep it in. I wish things were easier and feelings are just an on/off switch. That would make life easier but I don’t know. I just noticed your hair these past few days and I’ll admit that I’m obsessed with it. You look so nice with that shaggy hair. There’s so many things I want to tell you but I keep it in so things won’t be awkward. I wonder if there will ever be a day when everything comes out. The last time I managed to keep my feelings secret from a guy for more than 4 years. I don’t know if I can keep it in for that long this time around. 😖

All it takes are small gestures

You know you were the first guy to ever be that sweet to me. Never did I think you would give me your shoe to wear when mine opened up. You ended up getting a splinter from trekking barefooted and I feel so guilty for that. Honestly, that trip with you was one of the best trips in my life. Then that night when I couldn’t finish my noodles and passed it to you with a prawn in it, you asked me if I was sure I didn’t want the prawn and I told you I was too lazy to peel it so you can have it. You asked if I wanted you to peel it for me and it warmed my heart so much. I didn’t have to ask you, you just did it on your own. The deep conversations we had throughout the few days during the trip and before the trip was amazing. I learned so much about you and I opened up to you so much. More than I ever did with any of my friends. You were so understanding and you just supported me. During the trip, the one night we were hanging out at the pier at night and you laid down and I started playing with your hair, it meant more to me than it probably did to you but I remember you saying you liked it when people play with you hair and stuff. Then seeing you help the little girls carry their tube up the stairs to the slides at the water park was just so sweet. You are so amazing with kids and animals. You truly are a gem. I’ve fancied you for awhile but after the trip, I can truly say I like you. I know you’re definitely way out of my league but any girl would be the luckiest person in the world to have you. I hope they cherish you and care for you the best they can. Also, I always say your hair looks nice when you first wake up and I mean it. You look so cute. Out of you and your two other mates, thought people may not always find you the most attractive, I always did. Not just for your looks but ask your heart and personality. You are so sweet with your siblings and your mum. You’re the whole package. Of course you have your bad side but that makes you, you. I always told myself I would never date anyone of your religion as I don’t want to give up my freedom but you changed my mind. With you, religion doesn’t even matter anymore. I just see you for you. No labels, no nothing. Just you.

One question, WHY?

Why is it then whenever I get really close to someone of the opposite gender, I feel some sort of attraction towards them? Even if I know that there will never be anything between us. Why do I feel this way about you although I know this whole thing is going to be one-sided. Maybe not seeing you for the next 2 to 3 weeks is a good thing for me to clear my mind. You are definitely way out of my league and any girl would be lucky to have you. When you tell me stuff about you, I can’t help but think how lucky the future girl in your life would be. How amazing her life would be. You would bring her so much joy and comfort. Just know you’re one fantastic human being although I never told you how good you actually are. I’ll get over you one day. Just give me time, peanut.

Falling

I wish there's an explanation to what love is. Don't you feel like that too sometimes? Like at least we will know when we're in love or not and not have it be a one sided thing. Sometimes, I feel like I fall for someone way too fast. This sucks because a lot of the time, it's one sided. It becomes a cycle of meeting them, falling for them, realising they don't feel the same way, being heartbroken yet still hopefully although they will never come around. Yet, the feeling of liking someone or even just feeling like you're being needed, feels amazing. But I know how it ends, with me heartbroken and him feeling nothing at all.

Clueless

When I first came here with you and I was bawling on the bed in the hotel room saying I was scared and I wanted to go home, you told me I could call you at anytime and even if you were busy in the middle of the day, you would still answer my call! What happened to that, mum? I don't even know what I've done and you're just out of nowhere, shutting me out! At least tell me. Let me know. I'm sorry for whatever I did but because 1000km away from home and not even being able to communicate with you since you've even been blueticking me sucks! With my finals so close, I just need something close to home. What's going on, I'm clueless, Mum! Please just talk to me. I don't care if you yell at me just don't shut me out.