For the past 24 hours, I’ve been feeling so down. I can’t even describe how I feel in words. All of this started when I realise how badly my Calculus test went and I didn’t want to be alone last night. I tried reaching out to people but I guess I need to realise that people can’t detect your emotions especially when it can be so easily concealed when texting. What no one realise is that it was a silent cry for help but the people I reached out to didn’t realise and I don’t blame them. Part of me wanted someone to talk to and the other part of me wanted to suffer alone, like I tend to do a lot. Today, I was fine in the morning but when I got back from class, darkness took over me. I knew I needed to get out and take a breather. I didn’t want to reach out to the people I tried to reach out to last night and in a way, I shut them out. Of course, my friends were busy and I decided to go out alone. I won’t deny that I teared up in the Grab when I got a message from someone I was shutting out. I didn’t feel like talking even when he offered to call and talk to me. I wanted nothing to do with him. Going out made me feel a lot better but coming back, darkness overcame me once again. Part of me realises that people tend to use the phrase “I’ll be there for you when you need me” a lot but never really mean them. That’s why when I saw that phrase tonight in a message, I mentally rolled my eyes and rereading the message only makes me angry. Where were you last night when I needed someone?! People need to realise that action speaks louder than words! Also, apologising for the way you responded doesn’t make it all ok. It may be something small but when someone’s at their lowest point, even the smallest thing hurts like a bitch. Please only ever use the phrase if you really mean it. About the way I felt, I finally understood what it is that I’m feeling. It’s fear. Replaying the worst scenarios in my head made me fear the future more than I ever have and every time I think about it, I tear up in fear. I’ve never been more scared and alone ever. I don’t know who to talk to and I don’t know if I even want to talk to anyone about it even though I know I should. It just sucks so bad. I wish life was different.
