Dark days

For the past 24 hours, I’ve been  feeling so down. I can’t even describe how I feel in words. All of this started when I realise how badly my Calculus test went and I didn’t want to be alone last night. I tried reaching out to people but I guess I need to realise that people can’t detect your emotions especially when it can be so easily concealed when texting. What no one realise is that it was a silent cry for help but the people I reached out to didn’t realise and I don’t blame them. Part of me wanted someone to talk to and the other part of me wanted to suffer alone, like I tend to do a lot. Today, I was fine in the morning but when I got back from class, darkness took over me. I knew I needed to get out and take a breather. I didn’t want to reach out to the people I tried to reach out to last night and in a way, I shut them out. Of course, my friends were busy and I decided to go out alone. I won’t deny that I teared up in the Grab when I got a message from someone I was shutting out. I didn’t feel like talking even when he offered to call and talk to me. I wanted nothing to do with him. Going out made me feel a lot better but coming back, darkness overcame me once again. Part of me realises that people tend to use the phrase “I’ll be there for you when you need me” a lot but never really mean them. That’s why when I saw that phrase tonight in a message, I mentally rolled my eyes and rereading the message only makes me angry. Where were you last night when I needed someone?! People need to realise that action speaks louder than words! Also, apologising for the way you responded doesn’t make it all ok. It may be something small but when someone’s at their lowest point, even the smallest thing hurts like a bitch. Please only ever use the phrase if you really mean it. About the way I felt, I finally understood what it is that I’m feeling. It’s fear. Replaying the worst scenarios in my head made me fear the future more than I ever have and every time I think about it, I tear up in fear. I’ve never been more scared and alone ever. I don’t know who to talk to and I don’t know if I even want to talk to anyone about it even though I know I should. It just sucks so bad. I wish life was different. 

To be loved or Unwanted?

I’ve completely forgotten about the existence of this blog so today I figured I shall just rant about something that has been bugging me as of the late. Being one who’s been single for a long time, I go through times when I’m desperately in search of a guy and it gets frustrating when it doesn’t happen seeing that I’m not the most patient person. It makes me feel unwanted. Sometimes seeing my friends getting into relationships make me envious. Don’t get me wrong, I am over the moon for them but I wonder what it feels like to have my person as well. Then there are times when I see the obstacles they face and I get filled with anger. Why is it so wrong for two people of different religions especially a non-Muslim dating a Muslim in a Muslim country. Why is there the need for them to have to think twice before being a couple? Why can’t it be like every other couples where they can be official without religion being a barrier? Why do family members encourage them to break up and shit just because they don’t want their family member converting to another religion? Isn’t that up to the couple to decide? Why is it in Asia, family members feel entitled to decide if two people should be together or not? A relationship is between the two individuals WITHOUT family members being involved (at least not till marriage). Even then, let the couple decide their next move and stop being nosey! All these questions sometimes make me wonder if I am actually blessed to be single and not have to think about this but at the same time, I wish I do meet someone soon (although it doesn’t seem to be happening anytime soon). That’s all of my rant for today.